Erika-In-Progress

I was born in Minnesota, Land of 10,000 Lakes, the first child to parents that were still young and in-progress themselves. My mother was just 19 when I came into her life. My father was several years older but still a spiritual baby. I was “baptized” as an infant into the Apostolic Lutheran Church, according to the tradition of that denomination made up of fellow Swedes and Finns like us. While growing up, I didn’t miss many Sundays of church and Sunday School. It was always interesting to me to hear the Bible stories and I enjoyed singing the songs of faith. I have always wanted to know who God is. The foundation of my faith was built there–but it had formed some cracks that are still being filled in today.

My parents really did do the best they could with me and my siblings, even in the midst of their own trials and temptations. Back then, my father had no idea that he needed medication to control the chemical imbalance in his brain which resulted in depression. Instead, he turned to alcohol, beer mostly, to escape from the negative feelings and thoughts in his head. This drinking was hidden from my mother (not always successfully), and I remember riding in the car with my dad while he would be drinking a beer from the stash he had hidden in the backseat under a blanket. The Lord really had been protecting us! Along with the drinking came financial problems, and marital strife. I internalized it all and somehow found ways to blame myself for things that were not in my power to change. The enemy loved seeing me cower and become weak and timid, traits that I am still trying to overcome daily. I know that God did not create me to be shy and timid! I really am fun and smart and capable.

As I entered adolescence, I began to seek approval and acceptance from my peers, like all kids do at that age. One incident in particular hit me pretty hard. It was early in my 9th grade year when my best friend had somehow become my enemy. Literally, right before my eyes. We were at mall near Minneapolis with a bunch of other teens from the church youth rally. I don’t remember what was said but it was so vicious that it had to have been demonically influenced somehow. Basically, it made me feel like nothing. And to make matters worse I was staying at her house along with a few other girls from the U.P. (where my family had moved to a couple years earlier). That was not much fun at all! Our friendship has never recovered from that.  Anyway… I never did feel accepted by the “popular” kids as I so desired but looking back that was probably God protecting me from things I had no business being around. Although, while not totally immersed into it, I did have the occasional opportunity to attend a drinking party. It never did appeal to me though. I think since I saw and felt the effect that drinking had on my family I had determined not to go down that path of destruction.

Moving on to college…. I thought I would go to school to be a teacher so I chose Central Michigan University, known to be a good teaching school, 8 hours away in the lower peninsula. The first couple years were spent figuring out my place in the world, keeping one foot in the church and one foot in the world. That didn’t last long. I found a great group of Christian students at Intervarsity. That student ministry kept me seeking God at a time that was most important, and I am thankful. My sophomore year in college was difficult academically and emotionally. I’ve never admitted it before, but I may have been depressed at that time. My grades suffered, I only passed one or two classes that spring semester. But I came out of it determined to give myself completely to God. I attended the week long Chapter Camp and came away with a new outlook on life. I went home for the summer and met my husband.

Anthony and I started dating that summer and were married two years later, as soon as I graduated in 1999 with a Bachelor of Science in Child Development (my plans were ultimately to be a mother) . In the midst of that wonderful time of dating, engagement, early marriage, and having our first child, Josiah David, were also some church splits and some major shaking up of my own core beliefs about how God wanted me to worship Him. We were both immersed/baptized together by a brother in the Lord at a little church in Dollar Bay that we now know to be in the same association as the church we currently belong to (and love)! How cool is that?!?! We also found ourselves attending a teeny-tiny church (less than a dozen “members”) for a couple years that ended up not being as great as we first thought. It was actually bordering on cultish behavior. Yikes! Once our eyes were opened to that we got out of there fast! But God, being God, used it to teach us some things about Him and we’ve been able to move on from it.

Shortly after leaving the “cult” (ha! ha!) I had a missed miscarriage of what would’ve been our second child. I had gone in for a routine ultrasound early in the pregnancy and there was just an empty black sac, no baby. Definitely not what I was expecting but I handled it well. About a week later 9/11 occurred and my problems no longer seemed that terrible. That following spring, a childhood friend of mine from Minnesota was killed in a car accident. She was only 24, I believe. I had not kept in contact with her after moving but I felt I needed to attend her funeral so my mom and I went. It was very sad, and I still cannot believe that she really has left this earth so soon. I had dreams about her quite regularly for at least a couple years after. At her funeral I met up with the previously mentioned friend-turned-enemy. We had lunch and I found out we are very different people now. Polar opposites….oh, well. It is beyond my control, right?  She’s been down that path of destruction, but I will keep on praying for her.  Hopefully, she’s already made some changes by now. This was in March of 2002. That month I also began to suspect I might be pregnant again, even though I had not yet had a regular menstrual cycle since the missed miscarriage in late August 2001. Actually, nothing had happened since the m.m. I assumed everything just reabsorbed into my body like the doctor had explained could happen. So I took a pregnancy test which was positive. By the time I got to my first doctors appointment I was already starting to miscarry. At home that night I lost the baby. That was April 10, 2002.  This one hit me much harder than the first.  It was a cumulative effect from having so many losses so close together.   First miscarriage, 9/11, friend dying, second miscarriage…..  But life could only get better from there, and it did.

My husband was the only one working at this time, making 9.00/hr to support himself, a wife, a toddler and pay child support for his son, Josh.  That doesn’t go very far!  In June/July his parents were visiting from Hawaii and his dad was reading the paper from Detroit since our local U.P. paper didn’t provide enough of a sports section for his liking.   He noticed an ad in the classifieds for the brand-new federal security screener positions at Detroit Metro (as a result of 9/11).  We were itching to leave the U.P. already so my husband applied online and by late August he was in Detroit being trained in while I packed up the house.  I stayed with my parents while he found an apartment.   Oh, and by this time I was well into my first trimester with our daughter Mariam.

The first couple of years “downstate” were exciting for me, living in the city with all the stuff so close by!  We got our daughter, did some church shopping, found one that is really friendly and so much into evangelism, had another daughter (Lydia Zoe).  Now real life has caught up with us again.   The first 9 months or so after Lydia was born was a trying time for us.  Our marriage was suffering and I couldn’t understand why, until I discovered the evidence.  I found the links to some pornographic sites on our computer. Twice! Since I don’t like confrontation, the first time I didn’t say anything, I just added a filter hoping that would fix the problem (which he had told me about early on in our relationship, so I wasn’t too surprised).  A couple months later I found some links again, even with the filter.  So I wrote him a four page letter.  We’ve talked about it some and our marriage is improving as I seek the Lord and he does too.  God is answering prayers.  We still have a ways to go before we have healed from the effects of pornography.  We’ve read books, found a great listserv for husbands and wives.  I think we are at a great place for making a fresh start in all areas of our life together.  We are blessed to have each other.  It truly is great to be alive!
So that is my story.  Praise God!